Click image for details on how YOU can be a Red Pencil Thursday Volunteer!

Welcome back to Red Pencil Thursday. I apologize for the hiatus. I’ve been under deadline and then off on the family vaca, but I hope to get back on a regular weekly schedule of RPT. To do that, I’ll need some more volunteers, so if you have 500 words written, you are eligible to take the hot seat. Check out the details for how to submit. I hope to hear from YOU soon!

My guest today is Julieanne Reeves, a romantic suspense author. Sharpen your cyber-pencil and be prepared to offer her advice and encouragement in the comment section below. Thanks!

RAZING KAYNE

Mia: I like this title. It takes a familiar saying and gives it a twist.

Julieanne: The title gives a little insight into the book itself. Someone is out to destroy all Kayne holds dear. He lost his family once to a seemingly senseless murder and now it’s a race against time to get those answers before he loses his second family.

Prologue
Payson, Arizona. Present day.

Mia: Interesting. Usually a prologue takes place in the past and contains some essential information without which the reader will not be able to understand what’s happening in the first chapter. Does this qualify?

Julieanne: Yes. This prologue lets the reader meet the Protagonists and gives the reader some insight into why we’re jumping back in time two years to “witness” the murder of Kayne’s family, and the death of Jessica;s firefighter husband when he rescues the baby. Without those two events the story wouldn’t fall into place and they just didn’t work seeding them into the story.

“All rise,” said the bailiff. “The Honorable Buck Johnson presiding.”

Mia: You’ve set the stage in just a few words. We know exactly where we are and what’s happening. Good job.

Julieanne: Thanks. If I can just get the rest of my writing in line, I’ll be okay.

There was his cue. Buck lugged the case file in and dumped it on the bench looking down as it landed with a resounding thud. All that paperwork for an unbelievably tragic custody battle over one of the sweetest little girls on Earth. How in the hell was he going to make this right, he wondered. God he felt so old today. Old and defeated and heartsick for everyone involved.

Mia: In the 2nd sentence you have a clause that seems to be attached to the wrong subject. For example, looking down seems to be referring to the bench instead of Buck. Think about how you can simplify what you’re trying to say.

Is Buck the hero? If not, we’re being treated to a lot of his internal dialogue.

Julieanne: I agree, Buck, while an integral part of the town, is not a main character. I’ll be quite honest, the prologue was an attempt to get the Hero and Heroine face to face on the first page, and it wasn’t done well.

“Everybody, just take a seat and let’s get on with this horse shit.” Every pair of eyes in the court room snapped to him. Good, he had their attention. Maybe they’d realize how disgusted he was. How disappointed. It made his heart ache to see the two of them tearing each other apart like this. Especially when both really wanted the same thing: For Gracie to be happy and healthy and in both of their lives. But secrets had come to light and emotions had run high and both had panicked. Friends and then lawyers had intervened fueling embers to flames before they’d even tried to work anything out on their own. Now he had a class-A cluster on his hands with only a Hail Mary’s chance of a happy ending.

Mia: Well, isn’t he colorful? I don’t have a legal background but it sounds to me as if Buck is deeply enough involved with the parties in this case that he ought to recuse himself. Any thoughts from the rest of the RPT gang?

Julieanne: Amazingly enough I knew a judge like this. Great guy, but his “bench side” manor left something to be desired. And yes, under normal circumstances, a judge should recuse himself in a case like this. However, with small isolated towns such as Payson it’s impossible for a judge NOT to know just about everyone involved in a case, especially if they have backgrounds in law enforcement, which both Kayne and Jessica do. Thankfully our laws are black and white and when followed to the letter, there’s no room for partiality. Otherwise a judge like this would have to recuse himself from just about everything that came across his bench.

So, as he looked out at the parties sitting in his court room, he paused for a moment to pray for a miracle.

“Since y’all have no problem speaking your mind, at least on paper, I expect some answers. How in the hell does a baby that disappeared, without a trace, from a murder/suicide scene in California end up at a fatality accident scene here in Payson nearly a week later, get dropped into foster care and subsequently adopted without anyone being the wiser?”

Dead silence.

Mia: I’m not sure how the plaintiffs could answer this question. Sounds like it was gross negligence on the part of the authorities. A baby doesn’t disappear itself. But more to the point, because you’ve got something really unusual that happened in the past, you’re pulling us out of the present. That’s the danger of backstory. I suggest you plow ahead and salt the information through dialogue, not soliloquy, and in smaller doses.

Julieanne: There are actually two scenes in the first chapter that are critical to setting the story up. The first taking place two years ago, where we learn the circumstance behind Kayne’s family’s murde and how “Gracie” survives. The second scene happens a week later with the automobile accident where Jessica’s husband dies rescuing Gracie before the car explodes.

The story then moves forward to where Kayne and Jessica meet when he pulls her over for speeding. They keep bumping into each other – small town life – and start exploring their attraction to each other. It’s through this process that they discover Gracie – now a toddler – is actually Kayne’s kidnapped daughter. Which lands them in court. And married.

Because of media coverage the killer now knows the baby – Gracie – survived and it sets off a chain of events. Jessica and Kayne have to discover who’s behind the threats before Gracie disappears or Kayne loses everything, again.

Buck looked first at Jessica and saw unspeakable love. A firefighter’s widow and now single mother who’d adopted little Gracie out of foster care when no family came forward to claim her. Jessica’s husband had responded to that accident and sacrificed his life saving little Gracie, protecting her with his body when the vehicle exploded. Her face was serene, but her hand shook violently as she turned her head and wiped a tear from the corner of her shimmering eyes clearly hoping no one would see that her world was falling apart.

Mia: Again, we’ve got backstory. Since the adoptive mother has so much to lose, I’m wondering if you’ve considered writing this scene in her POV.

Julieanne: That’s actually where I ended up while playing around with a response: See below

His gaze skipped to Kayne and saw unimaginable grief. A State Trooper and little Gracie’s biological father. A man who’d lost everything in this world that mattered. Knowing Kayne had come home from his shift only to find his infant daughter missing, and his wife standing over the bodies of their two other children, then having to helplessly watch as she took her own life too.

Mia: Or Kayne’s POV. Either he or Jessica would be a stronger emotional hook.

It was time for some tough love.

“Fine. Suddenly no one has anything to say? Isn’t that just great?” Buck heaved out a weary sigh. “Y’all get comfortable ‘cause so help me God, we’re getting to the bottom of this

Mia: Even if they had nothing to say, surely their lawyers would. Buck is an interesting character, but he distracts from the main conflict between the protagonists. I suggest you try a rewrite of the scene through both of their eyes and see which one speaks to you. Also, let me caution you against front loading so much backstory. Because we authors know everything that ever happened to our characters, it’s tempting to spill it too soon. You should save those details till they will have the most impact.

Good luck!

Julieanne: Mia, I’ve had some time to think about this, and I think I’d drop the “Prologue” and just make it part of the first chapter. It would read something along the lines of this:

Payson Arizona, Present day.

“All rise,” said the bailiff. “The Honorable Buck Johnson presiding.”

Jessica Hallstatt slowly rose on trembling legs, her heart pumping blood through her body so loudly that she nearly missed Buck say, “Everyone take a seat.” He adjusted his glasses, began shuffling papers and said, “Give me just a minute and we’ll get started.”

“Relax,” her Attorney leaned over and whispered. “The adoption has been final for over a year. The law is in our favor. There’s no way Buck is going to give custody to Dobrescu. Especially with Santa Barbara Police Department reopening their investigation into his family’s death. He was their number one suspect, that’s in our favor.”

Jess’ gaze strayed to Kayne and her heart gave a betraying flutter. Damnit! Why did the man have to look so incredibly sexy? He’d probably been on duty for hours, but his uniform looked freshly pressed, his badge and boots polished to a high shine. His right forearm rested on the butt of his firearm, his forefinger and thumb flipping the safety cover of his pepper spray up and down, up and down. That action the only indicator that he was nervous, otherwise he appeared calm and in control. And her attorney was wrong; anyone who knew Kayne knew he hadn’t murdered his wife and children.

Jess pressed her fist against her roiling stomach. God, she didn’t know how she was going to make it through this. What if she actually lost Gracie? What would she tell her other children who were still too young to fully understand why their baby sister would suddenly be “gone”? Would he really take Gracie away from them? She was terrified that answer was “yes”. After the events of this past week she feared Kayne would never let her see Gracie again if he won custody.

She couldn’t imagine how badly Kayne must be hurting, and she hated that she cared. She glanced his way, only to find him staring at her, his eyes full of sympathy and understanding, and something else that looked suspiciously like pain. She didn’t want his sympathy, she didn’t want him to understand how badly just the thought of losing custody of Gracie was hurting her. But most of all, she sure as hell didn’t want to understand the pain he must be feeling, to know his daughter was alive and that he had no rights to her. It’s a pain she was prying to God she’d never have to feel. She wanted him to be an asshole so that the guilt of fighting him for custody wouldn’t be tearing her apart.

I’m sorry, He signed. So sorry, he mouthed, his left hand still resting flat over his heart. Jess closed her eyes and looked away fighting the tears that threatened to fall. Yeah, she was sorry too. So, so sorry. The should have found a way to work this out between them. But they hadn’t. Instead they’d thrown angry words and threats and then attorneys at each other.

God, how had they gone so wrong? A week ago they’d been friends, maybe headed for more. Much more. Now they were standing on opposite sides of a fence that seemed impregnable. All because Kayne recognized a necklace. So here they stood, both knowing only one of them could end up with custody of Gracie. It was all in the hands of a judge to decide the fate of her daughter. Of their daughter. Jess might be the only mother Gracie had ever known, but the simple fact was, Kayne was indisputably her biological father.

Judge Johnson cleared his throat. “All right folks let’s get started. Mr. Dobrescu, For the record, can you explain what happened the day your daughter disappeared?…

Mia: This is a fascinating study in how a story can change depending on the POV character. Thanks for sharing.

Julieanne Reeves’ Bio: With a background in law enforcement, a talent for solving mysteries and a romantic heart it seemed only natural for Julieanne to combine her skills and do something she loved. Writing. An adoptive mom and foster parent, Julieanne has seen the good and bad of the foster care system, and has become an advocate of children’s rights. She enjoys a small town lifestyle and has been lucky enough to work with some of the best law enforcement personnel in the world. Add to that a family tree full of exiled Jacobites, French nobility, a few notorious 19th century gang members, a sprinkling of Native Americans, and more than a handful of law enforcement officers through the generations and Julieanne has enough literary fodder to last a lifetime.

Find Julieanne on Facebook!

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Now it’s your turn to offer Julieanne some advice and encouragement. Remember, Red Pencil Thursday is only as strong as all the creative minds around this cyber-table. I hope you’ll take a little time to give an aspiring writer a hand. Thanks!

H1 Highway

I recently returned from an idyllic trip to Hawaii with my DH, our daughters and my parents. This vaca was a year in the making and it was worth the wait. At the risk of boring you to tears, here are a few of the sights we saw.

Day 1: We rented a van, drove around Diamond Head and up the coast to the North Shore. I was expecting to see huge waves once we got there, but it turned out to be the wrong time of year. However, every turn in the road opened into a gorgeous vista, stunning ocean views and breathtaking flowers.

USS Arizona

Day 2: We met up with Kim Adams from SOS Aloha Blog at Pearl Harbor. My Dad was 6 when the attack happened and remembers hearing President Roosevelt’s speech on the radio, so this part of the trip was specially meaningful to him.

Kim delighted us with a “behind the scenes” tour. Her knowledge of the history was so detailed and fascinating, she really made Dec. 7, 1941 come to life in my imagination. The horrifying 90 minutes when 2238 Americans died changed history and roused a nation to commit to total war.

This is a little patch of oil seeping from the submerged USS Arizona, the watery grave for over 1100 sailors. After all these years, the wreck still weeps oil into the blue water of Pearl Harbor. Not all the crewmen assigned to the Arizona died that day, but when they pass they have the option to be interred with their shipmates. Legend says the ship will stop leaking oil when the last crewman comes home.

USS Utah, The "Forgotten" Memorial

Kim took us to see the USS Utah, the forgotten memorial. It was a training ship where 50 some lives were lost, including author Pamela Clare‘s “Uncle Joe.” This was my second trip to Pearl Harbor, but I hadn’t known about the second memorial.

Kim did a terrific job explaining how frantic and disorganized the Americans were when the Japanese attack surprised them. She showed us the place where the commander of the Nevada beached his ship rather than clog the harbor mouth when it became clear they couldn’t make it to open sea.

Hickham Air Base

Pearl Harbor wasn’t the only place that was devastated by the attack. Hickham airfield was also decimated. All the planes were lined up, wing-tip to wing-tip, in the middle of the field. If we’d tried, we couldn’t have presented an easier target.

The Pacific Air Command building was strafed with a hail of fire. As you can see from this picture, the bullet holes have been left in the building. Even inside, there are holes in the metal staircase. There was no place of safety on that dark day.

The Mighty MO

Only a little distance from the Arizona memorial, the USS Missouri (The Might MO) rides at anchor. It was the site of the Japanese surrender and provided a sense of closure for our tour.

As a side note, the USS Missouri features prominently in the upcoming movie BATTLESHIP, which opens May 18th. After seeing the real thing, I think I’ll have to check out the movie!

Kim from SOS Aloha

One of the biggest highlights of our Day 2 for me was getting to know Kim better. Since I’ve been published, I’ve been blessed to make a number of “virtual” friends. When we finally meet in real life, we click together like magnets. Meeting up with Kim in Hawaii was no exception.

Thanks again to my friend for a wonderful day exploring the history of Pearl Harbor. The generous gift of her time and knowledge demonstrated the best of what they call the “spirit of Aloha.”

Wow, we haven’t even made it to the cruise ship yet! Well, that’s a tale for another day.

Now it’s your turn. Have you taken a trip that excited your imagination?

Click to visit CindyHolby.com

One of the loveliest things about writing is getting to know so many remarkable authors. I’ve known Cindy Holby since I was first published in 2006 and even discovered we once lived in the same North Carolina neighborhood, albeit a couple years apart. Cindy is incredibly talented, wickedly funny and a wonderful friend. I know you’re going to love her too!

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from Cindy Holby…

You’ve heard the saying desperate times call for desperate measures? Well that’s exactly where I found myself two years ago. In very desperate times. After writing fourteen books for the same publisher I suddenly found myself orphaned when the same publisher went out of business. I wasn’t exactly making a living either as the same publisher had quit paying me around five years ago. Broke and homeless, that was me, and if something didn’t happen soon I was going to have to go out and get a real job, one where you have to put on dress clothes and leave the house. I had submitted to several different houses at the same time publishing was going through its crisis and the economy was tanking. It was a very sobering time for a lot of us.

But then I realized something. I could have a do-over. I had a chance to start fresh and new with a new series and new characters and hopefully a new publishing house. And the town of Angel’s End Colorado was born. It’s a lovely little town nestled against the Rocky Mountains. It’s a place for new beginnings even though it was the end of the road for an angel statue that was abandoned by someone who realized that it would slow them down in their trek over the mountains. The town grew up around the statue that is forever standing in the middle of town, welcoming any and all who come in hopes of a new start.

My hero, Cade Gentry gets a do-over also. He’s wasted his life up to the point where the story starts and has spent a lot of time blaming other people for his circumstances. Its not until he winds up wounded in the town of Angel’s End, Colorado and meets the sheriff’s widow, Leah Findley, that he realizes that he desperately wants to start over again and this time make the right decisions.

The only problem is he’s already made the mistake of lying to everyone in town. You see, they think he’s the new minister. At least that’s who they were expecting and when the townsfolk find a wounded man lying at the foot of the stone angel statue during a blizzard they think Cade is Pastor Timothy Key. Especially since Cade has Timothy’s letter of introduction in his pocket.

It also doesn’t help that Cade is seriously attracted to Leah, and adores her son Banks. What’s an outlaw to do but pretend he is the pastor until he can heal up and be on his way? But the longer he stays, the deeper in love he falls and the bigger the lies become. Now Cade has to decide if he should cut and run or admit to his lies. All he wants is another chance. A chance to do things right this time. But are his lies too much for Leah to forgive?

Angel's End

I hope you enjoy my fictional town of Angel’s End, Colorado. It’s full of people like Cade, who are all looking for another chance. Just like me.

Angel’s End is from Berkley Publishing and is out May 1 2012. The sequel, Colorado Heart will be out this November.

You can find Angel’s End on:

Amazon
Barnes&Noble

Connect with Cindy at:

www.cindyholby.com
Facebook
Twitter

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Cindy, I’m so glad you were able to drop by for a visit today. Angel’s End sounds like the kind of complicated mess I love to read. Can’t wait to find out how Cade gets out of this hole he’s dug for himself.

How about you? Have you ever wished for a do-over? What happened when you got one? What did you do differently the second time around?

Some folks believe the readers’ only job is to read. This appeals to me. Of course, there was also a time when publishers took care of promotion and a writer’s only job was to write. In case you’re keeping track, only James Patterson gets TV ads each time he has a new release now.

Even so, I’ve always been reticent about asking folks to do things for me. It seems unfair to ask readers, who’ve already plunked down their hard-earned money for my words, to do something more.

But this is a different time. Readers and writers are connecting in ways beyond the books. We’re Facebook friends. We tweet to each other. We have cozy little conversations here on my blog. (And I treasure all those interactions because, let’s face it, the imaginary people I spend my days with sometimes aren’t the best company!) So the rationale is that readers are more invested in writers whose work they follow now than ever before.

And they may want to help in order to make sure the writer keeps producing the stories they love. So with this in mind, some authors are organizing “street teams.” This is a special group of fans who are willing go the extra mile to help the author promote their work–delivering bookmarks to bookstores and talking up the author’s book around the release date to the booksellers in their town. In return, the street team members receive extra “goodies”–T-shirts, mugs, chances to snag an ARC, etc.

Then there’s the “Call to Action” message some authors suggest adding to the backmatter of their ebooks. Here’s a sample:

Did you love XYZ Romance? If you’d like to support Beloved Author‘s work, here’s how you can help:

1. Loan this book to your friends.
2. Buy Beloved Author‘s next book during the first week of its release. Sign up for her newsletter so you’ll be in the know.
3. Post a review on Amazon, B&N or Goodreads.
4. Tweet or Facebook about the book. Consider adding a link to Beloved Author’s website.
5. Mention the book on blogs that ask what  you’re reading. If Beloved Author is blogging someplace, be sure to leave a comment.
Thanks for your support!

What do you think? Does it seem pushy? Is this a “I’ll-never-read-Beloved-Author-again” deal breaker? The whole world of author promotion is so “Wild West.”. There seem to be no rules until you accidentally break them. Anyway, I’d really love to hear your thoughts about this.

Click for more info

I’m off to Salem, MA today for the NECRWA Let Your Imagination Take Flight Writers’ Conference. It’s a delightful little regional conference, extremely well-organized and it’s in “Witch Central” so it’s fun as well. I understand we’re going to be off on a ghost hunt and will be deluged by psychics this evening.

But part of any conference is serious business and that means pitching to editors and agents. These angst-filled appointments are difficult for most writers. I’ve seen authors make themselves sick over it…literally. My writing dance card is full up, so I won’t be pitching any new projects. However, I thought I’d offer a word of advice for those who are.

Breathe.

Nothing you say will make the editor/agent buy your manuscript on the spot. They have to see your writing first. Think of this short interview as a random chat over coffee with someone who loves books as much as you do. Leave your index cards at home. Don’t reel off a memorized spiel. You’re there to have a conversation.

Smile.

The agent/editor across the table from you is a real person, not a gate-keeping boogieman. They want to discover new authors. They want to fall in love with your work. However, at this meeting what they really want to know is “Are you someone I can work with?” Are you friendly? Relaxed? Professional? Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

Deliver.

When you get a request for a partial (3 chapters and a synopsis) or a full manuscript, send it in right away. I’ve heard from so many editors who were excited by what they heard in a pitch, but were disappointed when the story never made it to their desk. This is why it’s never a good idea to pitch unless the manuscript is finished. By the time you run home and dash off the last 40K words, the market and the agent/editor has moved on.

Good luck and happy pitching all!

PS. I’ll be signing at the Literacy Bookfair on Saturday from 4-5:30. If you’re in the New England area, hope you’ll drop by:
The Hawthorne Hotel
18 Washington Square West
Salem, MA 01970

See you there!

Click image for details on how YOU can be a Red Pencil Thursday Volunteer!

Writers wrestle with all sorts of issues as they craft their stories. One of the thorniest is POV–point of view. When I was just starting out, I blithely assumed I could leap from head to head, zooming in close, then scrolling back for a “God’s eye” view with hardly a blink. The effect was dizzying.

And not in a good way.

If you write in first person, the problem is solved. You’re firmly in one character’s head. You can only see what they see, know what they know. If you use third person, you have choices, but it’s best to limit them. The longer we peer through someone else’s eyes, the more we relate to them, which is exactly what you want your readers to do with your protagonists.

Our Red Pencil Thursday volunteer, Annie Talbot, presents us with an opener that begs the question, “Who’s head should we be in anyway?” I hope you’ll weigh in with your thoughts at the end of the post! Our online critique group is only as strong as all the minds gathered around my cyber-kitchen table. So, pour yourself a cup of coffee and lend us your thoughts.
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The students of Miss Prentiss’s Seminary for Young Ladies agreed on one thing. Miss Sophia Prentiss was imperturbable.

Mia: Nice start. Sets a definite tone Regency readers will recognize and respond to.

Annie: Thank you!

Pranks on younger students resulted in cups of tea in her study and conversation about respecting others and building relationships that would benefit oneself and one’s husband in the future. Miss Prentiss always said, “Cooperation brings collaboration; condescension yields resentment.”

Mia: Rather than telling us this, is there a way to show your Miss Prentiss in action?

Annie: Possibly. The purpose of this scene, really, is to introduce Sophia, magic, and the school. The next two scenes are deep in her POV, with the fourth in Fletcher’s (the hero). So my choice was to use omniscient POV here and to share how she is perceived as quickly as possible.

Mia: Is Sophia Miss Prentiss’s given name? Note: In this comment you see the peril of a name ending with ‘s’. Your manuscript is likely to be filled with hissing. I try to avoid names ending with ‘s,’ but sometimes my characters insist.

Those committing more serious infractions were treated sternly. Yet Miss Prentiss always made sure to remind them that they could do better and that she relied on them to redouble their efforts. “A young woman’s reputation depends on her good sense and self-control,” she’d say. “It must be mindfully constructed and carefully maintained.”

Mia: Perhaps a serial offender is waiting outside Miss Prentiss’s study, squirming in her seat and reliving past lectures. This would mean more to the reader than this omniscient POV recounting.

Annie: I’ll give that a try. I hadn’t wanted to use another character’s POV before I dove into Sophia’s head (next scene), but I may have to.

Mia? In that case, dive into Sophia’s now so we can bond with her. Show her in action.

Only the overt use – or hidden abuse – of magic would draw Miss Prentiss’s ire. “Magic,” she told them, “must always be subtle and only used for good. If one uses it to harm or coerce another, one doesn’t deserve to possess it.”

Mia: Bingo! You’ve got me now. Magic is involved. Can you move it even closer to the beginning?

Annie: I wonder… hmmm.

Mia: Have her giving a demonstration of light magic when she is interrupted by Emma.

More than one student had found her magical abilities muffled temporarily as a result of misbehavior. And there were rumours of one young lady whose expulsion from the Seminary had been accompanied by the permanent crippling of her magical abilities.

Mia: Yikes! Miss Prentiss has a dark side. Again if this were being filtered through the eyes and mind of one who’s waiting for her judgment, it would be more engrossing.

Annie: Yes, she does.

Note: Chances are a publisher will Americanize your spelling of rumours. I’ve tried repeated to use grey instead of gray, parlour instead of parlor, etc, but to no avail. If you’re writing for an American audience, you’ll likely have to give up British spellings. But it never hurts to try!

Annie: I know. But I’m more afraid of my British betas than the publishers! (I’m only half kidding there.)

Through it all, Miss Prentiss maintained an air of calm control. There was nothing, her students believed, that could seriously ruffle her.

Which was why, when Emma delivered a calling card to Miss Prentiss in the middle of a conversation with the eldest students about the morning Times, the girls were shocked to see their much-respected headmistress pale. Blink. And then draw a deep breath before rising.

Mia: Is Emma our heroine or Miss Prentiss? The distant POV has me wondering. We’re in the nebulous collective head of all the students at the academy. If you could firmly anchor us in one, it would help pull us into the story quicker.

Plus, the calling card is obviously the inciting incident, the signal that the well-ordered world of Miss Prentiss is about to change. This too, needs to happen as close to the beginning as possible. In fact, it may well be that your story starts here with all the info about Miss P’s imperturbability and magical prowess salted in later.

Annie: I’m making notes for my re-work!

Her tone was calm, though, when she asked Mariah Trumball to lead the discussion and make notes on each girl’s participation. Neither her voice nor her fingers trembled when she handed the card back to Emma, saying, “Please ask Sir Joseph to wait in my private sitting room. I shall join him in five minutes.”

“There’s another man with him, miss,” Emma informed her. “He’s younger, and he didn’t give a card.”

Miss Prentiss raised her eyebrows at this breach of decorum.

Mia: Now we’re moderately in Miss P’s POV which is more engaging. You’ve let us feel her extreme self control in not betraying what the calling card means to her as well as let us know she can still gently reprove a social faux pas.

Annie: Sophia will always reprove a social faux pas.

“My study, then, please, Emma. And ask Cook to prepare a tea tray. I’d prefer that you bring it, rather than John. They’ve already met you.”

Mia: Miss P is limiting the number of people her callers meet. Curious. Raises questions in my mind, which is a good thing. This is a very gentle embedded hook. (Congratulations, Annie. You are an honorary Happy Hooker!)

Annie: Why, thank you!

The girls were shocked to see Emma meet Miss Prentiss’s eyes directly for a moment. Understanding hung between the two women before each turned to her own business, Emma to her errand and Miss Prentiss to put away her papers before taking her leave.

Mia: And now we’re back in the “hive mind” of the students. I encourage you to rethink who would have the most entertaining take on these events and make that person your POV character. Let us look through her eyes. Try on her life. That’s why we read.

Annie: I’m really going to have to give that a lot of thought. My main POV character will be Sophia, with Fletcher second. Maybe Mariah… she’s going to be an important character.

After the door closed soundlessly behind her, the girls sat quietly for a moment before exploding into excited babble.

“What was that about?”

“Who is Sir Joseph?”

“Ladies,” Mariah interjected. “Miss Prentiss has asked us to—“

“Could he be a lost relative?”

“A suitor?”

Mariah sank into Miss Prentiss’s chair and allowed the speculation to rage as she composed notes on a calm, intelligent, and entirely imaginary discussion on the latest news from the Peninsula.

Mia: Imaginary discussion! Oh, I like Mariah. Is she our heroine?

Annie: No, it’s Sophia. But if this is successful, Mariah will have her own book, down the line.

It wouldn’t do to disappoint Miss Prentiss. It wouldn’t do at all.

Mia: There are lots of excellent elements here. I think once you settle the POV issue, this story is going to take off!

Annie: Thank you! This is extremely helpful!

Bio: Annie Talbot spent her formative years in the Philadelphia suburbs, but has recently decided to reinvent herself and has moved her entire family to a tiny town in Central Illinois, where they share a large Victorian house with five cats, one yellow dog, and Annie’s enormous vegetable garden. Her passions are reading, writing, and semicolons (not necessarily in that order). She is presently working on a magical historical romance, with other projects (a steampunk romance and an urban fantasy series) on the drawing board.

Mia: Now it’s your turn! Please share your insights with Annie. I know she’s anxious to hear from you.

Click to order!

And while we’re talking about sharing your thoughts, let me offer a heartfelt “Thank you” to those of you who have posted a review of How to Distract a Duchess, or any of my books, on Amazon or B&N.com. Word of mouth is still the most powerful endorsement an author can receive and I appreciate it very much.

If you haven’t left a review, there’s still time to post your honest appraisal of my work. You’d be surprised how much impact YOU can have on whether other readers decide to give me a try.

Click image for details on how YOU can be a Red Pencil Thursday Volunteer!

Knowing where to begin a story is sometimes the toughest decision an author makes. When I wrote Erinsong, my editor lopped twelve mortal pages off the beginning–pages I had lovingly crafted, designed to beguile my readers into the world of my Irish heroine and her 9th century life. But no, my story actually begins when Brenna and her sister find the body of a Northman washed up on Donegal Beach. Then they discover he’s still alive.

On Red Pencil Thursday today, my volunteer, Jean Viola Ryan, is facing a similar dilemma. See if you think she needs to move the beginning nearer to the inciting action. I so appreciate my volunteers and their willingness to “take their bath in public.” This is Jean’s second visit to our online critique group. She’s helping all of us think about our current WIP and where the beginning really should be.   If YOU’d like to be part of RPT, please check out the details and send your materials in today!

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Things that change your life should be on the front page of the newspaper, not relegated to the obituaries. Pubic apathy had reduced Davey’s death to just one more in a long list of casualties who died for one thing…a lie. Four years later and things had only grown worse.

Mia: Oops! I think you meant “Public” instead of “pubic.” My own typos never fail to amuse me. Glad to see my fingers aren’t the only ones that slip on occasion. Still like that first sentence. However, the next two seem a little nebulous. The lie is a good hook but we don’t know what you mean. Can you make it clearer?

Jean: The lie is the Iraq war and it isn’t revealed why she dropped out of West Point until later in the book when she tells the hero.

My other classic typo was he could “poop” her head off like a dandelion.

Mia: LOL! The lie comment is still too fuzzy here to have an impact. Remember the Prime Directive of Prose: First, be clear. If you can’t state it clearly, save the ‘lie’ for later.

Elizabeth threw the scrapbook she had lovingly created of Davey’s career across her bedroom. It hit the wall to the left of the door with a smack and fell to the ground. The army seal on the front stared up at heaven, much as Davey must have.

Mia: If I remember correctly, Davey is her brother. I don’t get that here. Based on your words, he could just as easily have been a lover.

Jean: Do you think it is important here that we know who Davey is other than someone important to her? It wouldn’t be hard to throw something in that shows he’s her brother, but are those more unnecessary details?

Mia: I think it’s very important that we know he’s her brother, not a love interest. The grief is no less, but it’s different.

A scream was ripped from her gut. Tears clouded her vision, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She was not going to start crying again, dammit.

Mia: Remove was. You don’t need it. Generally speaking, verbs without helpers make for stronger prose. Scream seems a little over-written. If a person screams, they are really in extremis. I’m sensing that she’s frustrated and deeply sad. Would a sob work just as well?

Jean: I’m not sure sob is active/strong enough. Elizabeth is a kick ass girl. Sobs seem to make her too passive or girly. She’s also very angry.

Mia: Still think scream makes her seem a little unhinged. What about the rest of the RPT gang? Any thoughts?

The lump in her throat called her a liar.

She took a deep breath and squeezed her fists until her nails bit her palms. Enough moping. Where there was life, there was hope. That’s what her mother had always said.

“I’m sorry,” she told the heavens, hoping her mother could hear her.

Mia: Good way to let us know she’s lost more than one person who is important to her without coming out and saying it. That’s showing, not telling.

Jean: Thanks.

She grabbed her running shoes from under her bed and laid them on the bright pink flowed quilt Nana had made. It so wasn’t her, but she wasn’t sure what was anymore.

Her black hair was still a smidgen too short to pull back so she threw on a red Nationals baseball cap. Now all she needed was her iPod waiting for her by the door, in the black arm band she strapped on.

Mia: The second sentence is a little awkward. Try it this way:

She strapped her iPod into its black arm band and ran out the door.

Jean: Thanks. It didn’t sound right to my ear, but I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.

Mia: Sometimes simple is best.

She headed for the canal. The city lights reflected in the dark water mirrored the stars in the heavens. She retied her shoes, not that they needed it. Kneeling to tie her shoes was like praying. If only she had something to pray for. With a heavy sigh she stood up.

Note from Mia: Jean’s next response is in response to my later comment about where to begin this story.

Jean: What if I started the story here, with her tying her shoes? It isn’t as strong an opening line, but I love the idea of her kneeling being like praying, but her having nothing to pray for. I’m having a tough time balancing getting into the action fast and creating details that draw the reader into the story. I want to create a character the reader cares for before I put her in danger.

Mia: I like the juxtaposition of kneeling to tie her shoes and kneeling to pray. That’s the sort of synthesis that pulls me in. You may be onto something here.

With her first step, her father’s voice intruded in her head.

Hey! Hey! All the way,

We love to run every day.

If I were President and had my way,

There wouldn’t be a fat man in the Army today.

She stuck in her ear buds and cranked up her iPod. That was its purpose, to drown out the cadences that had formed so much of her life. The Foo Fighter’s new album was just as good to run to. She hit the pavement as Dave Grohl’s pounding guitar and driving vocals filled her head.

Mia: Cut that was its purpose. How about just

It drowned out the cadences that had formed so much of her life.

Mentioning another Dave here is confusing. Drop Mr. Grohl here. You don’t need to name him.

Jean: Thanks. again, this was something that felt awkward, but wasn’t sure how to fix.

Her strides started out slow, a nice jog to warm up. Her breaths were deep and even. The cloak of night brought with it a freedom she never felt in the gym.

As she sped up, the night air caressed her. Chilly DC nights were gone. She glanced to her sides. Unlike the gym where she worked, no one ogled her.

She was far from a brown bagger, but the way guys stared at her you’d think she was a supermodel. She laughed. Supermodels couldn’t kill you with their pinkies. Davey had made sure she could defend herself. He would have made a damn good Green Beret. She picked up her pace until she was running at full speed.

Mia: I got to this point and had to go back to remind myself of the heroine’s name. Use Elizabeth more often. I know in a few more paragraphs something exciting happens, but that only makes me feel you’ve included a lot of little details that really don’t matter up to this point. I think you need to rethink where your story starts and it starts when a strong hand grabs her shoulder. Give us a couple paragraphs to get her out of the house and running and launch us into the real action. Even Elizabeth’s angst over her brother’s death can come out later.

Sometimes it takes a few pages of a writer “clearing her throat” in order to find out where the beginning really is. Save this material. It’ll be good to salt in later.

Jean: As I said, I’m having trouble with balancing details and action. The story is about her dealing with her brother’s death and finding a purpose now that she dropped out of the military. The story sentence is “One of the last female descendants of Abel, a West Point drop-out, must sacrifice everything to save her estranged military family from the fallen angels responsible for Abel’s death.”

Mia: Let’s see what the RPT gang thinks.

Jean Viola Ryan’s Bio: Jean Viola Ryan is an active member of RWA, including the Fantasy, Futuristic and Paranormal chapter as well as Maryland and New England chapters. When she doesn’t have her nose buried in a good book or isn’t living in the paranormal worlds she creates, she moderates workshops for Savvy Authors and the Muse Online Writers Conference.

When asked why she’s lived up and down the East Coast, she explains, “My husband is in the Coast Guard, and he tends to guard the coast.”

Find Jean on Facebook , and her website.

Mia: Happy Dance Warning! Jean received an offer for the first book in the Mark of Abel series! Woot!

Would you like to be a Red Pencil Thursday volunteer? Check out the details!

Now it’s YOUR turn. What suggestions or questions do you have for Jean?

Coming Soon!

Just thought I’d share a peek at coming attractions. Here’s the cover for my next Rock*It Read! How to Please a Pirate will be out in May.

It’s the story of a prodigal pirate who comes home to Cornwall only to discover that the father with whom he hoped to reconcile has died, along with his older brother. Gabriel Drake suddenly finds himself elevated to lord of the manor with the added complication of being responsible for his 5 orphaned nieces. I like to think of this story as “Pirates of the Caribbean meets Father Goose!”

He’s also obliged to wed, bed and breed an heir on a well-born lady as soon as possible to secure the barony or it will devolved to the Crown. Since Gabriel’s pardon for piracy is predicated on him not entering the city of London, he can’t pursue a bride in typical marriage mart fashion. And the fact that he only wants Jacquelyn Wren, the bastard daughter of a courtesan who couldn’t possibly satisfy the King’s requirements to become his baroness, only complicates matters.  Toss in the search for a dragon’s hoard of gold hidden somewhere in his castle and his 5 mischievous nieces and Gabriel’s hands are full.

Here’s my question for you today. I know lots of people loved Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow. Frankly, his nancing about danced on my last nerve. I’m more a William Turner fan. How about you? Are you Team Jack or Team William?

Mia at the Kensington Mixer

Sooner or later, every author has to submit to the indignity of a headshot. The problem for me is that my mental image of myself is several years younger and very much leaner than the real thing. It’s always a shock to see myself captured on film.

Who is that? I wonder. She seems to have my eyes.

At some point, I reached the conclusion that I am what I am. The prednisone I take for a lung condition (managing well with it. Thank you, God!) has caused my hair to become brittle, so I decided not to continue to stress it by coloring the gray. That led to a less than flattering “skunk- do” (very sad silver stripe down my part). I was determined to be bold and have it cut. Short.

Mia at the 2012 RT Bookfair

I’ve hardly ever had short hair. Each time I’ve felt it was a mistake and comforted myself with the knowledge that hair grows back.

But this time it feels right. The silver is overtaking nicely and when the artificially dark is all cut out, I’ll still have plenty of pepper to mix with the salt. I’m entering my “platinum period.”

Of course, this means I’ll have to give up the Glamour Shots pic of myself here on the website. It’s from 5 years, several pounds and lots of dark hair ago. I don’t want readers not to recognize me when we meet IRL.

When I went to Amsterdam in 2010, I had a chance to meet up with Nynke. (If you’re a regular here on my blog you’ll recognize her as ‘Dr. Nynke,’ a frequent commenter!) I had to be sure to warn her that I didn’t look much like my website picture and told her I’d be wearing a hot pink cap. Bless her heart, her comment was that she was surprised that I’m so ‘tiny.’ By that she meant ‘short,’ but I’ll take it. Nynke’s probably the only person on the planet who would describe me as ‘tiny.’

Anyway, I’m planning to have a new author picture taken at the RWA Conference in Anaheim this July. Now the only decision to make is what color from my website I should try to wear. What do you think? Purple, pink, green, red, or gold? Help me decide or you know me and colors. I’ll probably default to black.

Click for free read!

I’m so excited to be able to offer you a chance to read How to Distract a Duchess, my newest Rock*It Reads ebook, for FREE! For a limited time, you can download it for your Kindle.

What? You don’t have one? That’s an easy fix. You can download the eReading software to your smart phone, tablet or pc absolutely FREE! Here is the links: Kindle

I confess I used to be a print book purist. And I still absolutely adore the covers and the feel of my traditionally published books. But it’s hard to ignore the convenience of an ebook.

For those of you who followed my career when I was writing as Emily Bryan, you’ll recognize How to Distract a Duchess as my 2008 release, Distracting the Duchess. However, when I made the decision to reissue it, I went through the manuscript, revising and updating, to make it the very best story I could. Hope you enjoy it!

In the meantime, please let your reading friends know about this free download. Is there anything more fun than the gift of a new story?

Enjoy!